Zero. Light bulbs aren't covered under warranty.

How many authorized Hummer mechanics does it take to change a light bulb (past warranty)?

Five.

One to come up with a good reason why it will take more than a week to install. One that will try to convince you that this will be a complicated procedure and will cost a small fortune to perform. One to hide the GM light bulbs so it really looks like it will be a special order item. One to pretend like AMG is back-ordered so they couldn't obtain the parts. One to arrange for storage of your Hummer until they get around to installing the bulb that never comes in.

Jeff Baudin <jb@route6x6.com>

WINNER OF THE 1997 BEST HUMMER JOKE

You might be driving a Hummer if...

...other cars quickly scatter out of the way when they see you in their rear-view.
...you don't measure fuel efficiency by miles per gallon, but rather gallons per mile.
...military personnel salute you as you drive by.
...it's so large that a dropped wrench will slowly orbit around it.
...even Kragen Auto can't supply you with wiper blade replacements.
...it weighs more than an RV.
...when you return from shopping, you find it has nose and hand prints all over the glass.
...its brake disks are large enough to cook pizzas on.
...you can't reach far enough to slap the person sitting in the passenger seat.
...police and highway patrol pull you over just to ask you questions about your car.
...the cup holders appear to have been designed by Russian scientists for use on the Mir Space Station.
...transporting the service manual requires you to increase your tire pressure due to the additional weight.
...an entire class period can be disrupted by simply driving it into the school parking lot.
...the drive-thru lane at McDonalds is wider now than when you had entered.
...complete strangers appear from nowhere and invite you on hunting trips.
...annoyances like curbs, speed bumps and fire hydrants are no longer a nuisance.
...you come to the conclusion that Miss Manners has done a lousy job based on the number of people who point their fingers at you.
...Jeep owners avoid looking at you.
...the center console is larger than a Buick trunk.
...the glove box is smaller than a Toyota coin tray.
...your left knee has a perpetual bruise on it from pressing against the window control.
...your wife refuses to drive it.
....your wife refuses to let you drive it.
...you now find khaki and camoflauge clothing fashionable.
....your two-car garage has become a one-car garage.
...you have 7 clever ways of replying to the question, "How much did it cost?" without telling them how much it cost.
...you find that two "compact" parking places are better than one standard parking place.
...you purchase a massive stereo amplification system just so you can hear the stereo.
...it's larger than your friend's apartment.
....the service manuals cost more than your first car did.

>Truth is you'll get the same "bums rush" if you "walk up" at a Mercedes or
>Jag dealership, too. You really can't blame 'em, but it sure "pisses" you off
>doesn't it?!

Ha! The joke's on them!

I'll show up looking as hellish as possible. Hair to the middle of my back, cobra tattoo in plain view. I look more like a guy that should be driving a 72' primer colored Camaro with a missing hood than someone with a fine vehicle. It's nice because I'm able to check out the cars without being bothered by a salesman. In fact, have you ever walked on a car lot without being accosted by salesman? Happens to me all of the time. It's great!

Of course, when I decide to test drive; the salesman has to start the usual info-seeking banter like, "So, what do you do for a living?" That's none of their business, so I'll usually give them something crazy to chew on like, "I invented aluminum foil."

Once I'm sold, and after negotiations, they immediately start filling out the credit app. Blows their mind when I tell them I'll just write a check. By this point, they think I'll be writing on a piece of high-octane flubber and they push the secret button to alert security.

Once their credit dept. has called my bank, major attitude change. The free coffee starts coming along with frequent use of "sir" and "Mr." At that point you can have fun with them. If they gave you the attitude and made you feel like dirt when you arrived, you can now apply the following:

Look under the car, scratch your head and ask the salesman, "Do you have a wooden toothpick?" If and when he finally returns with one, give him a wierd look and put it in your mouth.

Keep bumming cigarettes off him (most car salesman smoke). Put them in your shirt pocket for later. This is especially effective if you don't smoke.

Ask him to show you how to check the oil. Then ask him to tell you how a diesel engine works. When he shrugs his shoulders in uncertainty, explain it to him in great technical detail. Insist that he take notes.

Ask the salesman to get you a package of peanut M&Ms from the vending area. When he returns, ask him separate them by color and to cut the brown ones in half.

Address him by the short version of his name. If he is Richard, call him Dick. If he already prefers the short version of his name, use the long version. If neither of the above are silly enough; give him a new nickname. Biff, Sherlock, and Slick are good candidates. For extra bonus points, call him by any name but his own.

Crawl under the truck and run your hand over the transmission. Say things like, "Hmm", "Uh oh" and "What the?" Ask him to join you under the truck. Once he's under there and has sufficiently soiled his shirt say, "Oh, it's nothing."

Ask the salesman to go get you a coke. When he leaves, find the manager and ask him if your salesman has a drinking problem. Show the manager the segregated M&Ms on the salesman's desk. Also mention that the salesman had asked out of the blue, "What goes good with rum?" and that he then curiously walked away.

Enjoy!

Ambulance Doors:

What you'll be entering once you've seen the bill for your 12K service.

Airlift Hooks & Shackles:

A good indicator that you should upgrade your AAA account.

Brush Guard:

The plastic cover which fits over a Sonicare toothbrush.

BTM:

An acronym for "Beat The Mother-F****r." A term used by Hummer drivers describing the technique used to extract a stuck vehicle.

Central Tire Inflation:

The term used by your dealer to explain why your first set of replacement tires are so expensive.

Dealer (authorized Hummer):

A person who doesn't know anything about Hummers but has a degree in creative financing and the sale of upholstery sealants.

Doghouse:

What you're in after you surprise your wife by bringing home a new Hummer.

Hood Snubbers:

Car wash attendants who fail to clean the hood area above and behind the airlift hooks.

Horn-Mirage:

The large plastic housing in the center of the Hummer steering wheel which you push for the first week thinking that it's the horn.

Intermittent Wipers:

Young children with running noses who haven't mastered the purpose and use of Kleenex.

Jump Seat:

A 2 passenger optional seat for children or vertically-challenged adults. It can be mounted between the rear seats, in the cargo area of a wagon or (if the children are especially irritating) can be mounted to the roof rack.

Load Barrier:

A wall found in wagon models to prevent your Craftsman tool box from flying into the front seat while braking.

Manual:

The instruction-tissue which comes in a beautifully bound leather case. Contains no technical information. For that, you must spend a 3-figure

amount for a phonebook-sized guide which comes in a cheap plastic binder.

Mechanic (authorized Hummer):

A person who makes $15 an hour until you bring in your Hummer. Then they will make $100 an hour and cop an attitude.

Monsoon:

What you feel you've been hit by after you've seen the price for the stereo upgrade.

Pre-cleaner:

Someone who sprays the dirt off their truck prior to taking it in to be professionally washed.

Pre-luber:

Forget it. I'm not going there...

Roof Rack:

An elaborate metal cage used to hide the roof damage caused by your underpass accident.

Run-Flat:

The state a jogger is in after someone behind him has stepped on the heel of his running shoe.

Snorkel:

A large tube used to lessen the amount of passenger-seat complaints by restricting their view of potential hazards.

Stinger:

The pain you feel in your hindquarters after you get your Visa bill that covered the purchase of a D-Ring brushguard.

Transfer Case:

A large steel box used to move your life savings from the bank to the Hummer dealership.

Transmission:

What your cellular phone will fail to do from within your Hummer.

Under-Body Protection:

Technical term for a jock strap and cup assembly. Also known as an "under-the-butt nut hut."

Winch:

An expensive accessory which gives you the confidence to get into trouble that you would have normally avoided without one.

Thank you for purchasing a Hummer! We hope you enjoy years of trouble-free use from your new vehicle. To help us better serve you, please fill out and return this questionaire to AMG. Thank you!

What made you choose an AMG Hummer?

__ Superior off-road capabilities.

__ Low fuel and maintenance costs.

__ Wanted to one-up the neighbor's purchase of a Land Rover.

__ I was moved by the scribbled notes in the 98 brochure.

__ Too fat to fit in a Jeep.

What do you do for a living?

__ Own successful business.

__ Movie muscle-man or porn queen.

__ Command international drug cartel.

__ Make mewling sounds to my rich parents.

In what manner did you pay for your Hummer?

__ Paid cash.

__ Went into hock until 2032.

__ Won it in the M&M sweepstakes.

__ Awarded in divorce court from my son-of-a-bitch husband.

__ Made mewling sounds to my rich parents.

Where do you shop for clothes?

__ Neiman-Marcus

__ Sak's 5th Ave

__ Macy's

__ GI Joe's Surplus Emporium

What magazines do you read?

__ Time

__ Newsweek

__ Inc.

__ Bubba's 4x4 Monthly

__ Bare-Busted Biker Chicks

Which best describes your Hummer parking technique?

__ I park far out in the lot where there are many spaces.

__ If I can't find one regular spot, I'll take two compact spots.

__ I'll park in the handicap spot and limp into the store.

__ I'll use my winch to pull another car out of a good spot.

Please choose one or more observations that best describe your dealer:

__ Friendly and helpful.

__ Gave me a good deal on my truck.

__ Didn't know squat about Hummers.

__ I should have strangled the little bastard with my bare hands.

Please choose one or more observations that best describe your dealer's service center:

__ Great service and knowledgeable staff.

__ The loaner Yugo is easier to park than the Hummer.

__ Coffee pot in lounge hasn't been cleaned since the Truman administration.

__ AMG makes them faster than this place fixes them.

__ The mechanics make the teenagers that work in Jiffy Lube look like rocket scientists.

What options do you think you'd like to see in a future Hummer?

__ Factory installed alarm system.

__ Anti-lock brakes.

__ Surface-to-air missle system.

__ A front passenger section able to accommodate someone wider than Shelly Duvall.

In the unlikely event that your Hummer broke down on the side of the road, which of the following would you rather have stop to give you a hand:

__ Arnold Schwartzenegger

__ The Shell Answer-Man

__ The Pep Boys

__ Dave Breggin

How often would you like to receive our monthly Hummer owner newsletter?

__ Once per year.

__ Once per year.

__ Once per year.

__ Once per year.

Which advertising method do you think would make the public more aware of the benefits of owning a Hummer?

__ Television commercials.

__ Radio commercials.

__ Make it the official pace car at monster truck pulls.

__ Full-page ads in Bare-Busted Biker Chicks magazine.

__ Send sales people to homes of rich people with mewling sons.