Micheal Selig
HUMMER HUMOR and Beyond
Version 1.30 and Evolving.
Disclaimer: Women--Please do not take offense to statements made in this document (there have been many who have).
Based on ridiculous questions and conversations, others and myself have had concerning HUMMERS and my buying experience with Tom Ogden and Eric Anderson who worked together (in synchronous cooperative harmony with the manufacturer AM GENERAL) to sell me my HUMMER.
Question: What is a HUMMER? Is it a Car, Truck, Tank, Luxury Assault Vehicle (LAV), HUMDINGER or Other?
Answer: It is the civilian version (has an interior) of the military HMMWV (High Mobility Multi-Purpose Wheeled Vehicle or HUMVEE). It is classified as a class 3 truck probably because there is no listing for Street Legal Off Road vehicles.
Q: Why won't my insurance company insure this vehicle which has a top speed (on level ground) of 83 miles/hour ?
A: They can not figure out what it is, yet.
Q: Is it fast?
A: YES, when compared to a Delivery Truck.
Q: How does it feel on the road?
A: Like a NIMBLE BRUTE. After you drive it for a week, a 1980 Buick will feel like a Ferrari. It has coil springs bigger than those of motor homes. When you hit bumps, g-d help your hemorrhoids. You can, however, deflate/inflate the tires from the dashboard, while moving (CTIS), when the going gets rough or when one needs to travel on sand or through mud or other media.
Q: Don't you think that thing is UGLY as can be?
A: Not if you can appreciate how an Armored Truck or a Tank looks. It is just the ultimate automotive expression of FORM following FUNCTION. The manufacturer refers to it as a Wolf in Wolf's clothing. It makes no concessions to aesthetics. Besides that, once you have it for a while, it grows on you and others. It starts to look BEAUTIFUL (Can you imagine that?).
Q: Is it easy to get side-swiped because it is so WIDE?
A: (Salesmen), Don't worry about that. When people see you coming, they will snap their neck to look (in either amazement or amusement), become bug-eyed, jaws go limp, then they get out of your way. They may then turn around, continue starring and even start following you. Previously perceived narrow roads or alleys appear wider after driving the hummer through them several times.
Q: Will the BEAST fit in my 2 car garage?
A: YES, but only with a couple of motorcycles. [I don't favor motorcycles (something to do with organ donation), that's why I want a vehicle as immense and safe as a Hummer]. It even fits in a parking spot, goes through a tollbooth and bank drive-in with TONS OF ROOM TO SPARE. Better get use to hand or power washing, it gets mighty muddy and dirty. No drive-thru car washes for this Beast.
Q: Why is that coffin sized center console so wide?
A: It contains the engine and drive components. It is not a storage area for TOW Missiles or M-60's, contrary to popular belief. It also keeps your kids from fighting with one another and safeguards a companion from romantic inclinations.
Q: How many people will it seat?
A: 4 adults in the small foxhole foot compartments and 4 Munchkins max. There is not even enough room in the small glove box to store the owners manual, in most models.
Q: Why doesn't it have an Airbag?
A: Well, lets put it this way, if someone runs into a you at a reasonable speed, they may total their car. Your coffee may spill over as well. If you run into someone, you will probably go over them.
Q: Will the Roll Bar hold the weight of this vehicle?
A: (Salesmen) It has 2 roll bars. Yes it will, but the manufacturer does not recommend that you try it out, especially on a test drive.
Q: What is this about the special 4 WHEEL DRIVE it has?
A: Do you have a few hours and a PhD in Mechanical Engineering? Most have not been able to understand it. Something about brake/throttle modulation and WORM GEAR MAGIC, which was discovered by chance, after the differentials were designed. It is not very hard to snap a halfshaft. The GEARED HUBS unique to the Hummer, allows for high ground clearance (and more maintenance worries). Once an owner gets stuck in deep a few times, they start to talk about getting locking differentials and Swamper tires.
Q: Will it go over a 4 foot snow pile?
A: (Salesmen) Yes, you get in the drivers seat, put on your seat belt, hold on, and step on the gas without letting up. By the way, you don't have a heart condition do you? "It will climb an 18 inch vertical wall". Some owners install Pitch and Roll gauges to measure the steep angles they traverse.
Q: Does that thing FLY or go UNDERWATER?
A: Partially correct, some may think they can after driving it for a while (natural occurring euphoric substances get released). It was designed to be dropped by parachute or picked up by helicopter [in case you have an occasion, (has hood and rear bumper Airlift brackets)].
Q: Do Hummers FLOAT?
A: Err, ahh, No, Quite the opposite. However, Hummer owners are already dreaming up plans for an inflatable, aluminum framed Pontoon Barge. One mentioned, running a shaft from the transfer case to drive a barge mounted propeller to make a very nice HUMMER BOAT [the limits of Hummer behavior never ends, (Shrinks could really have a heyday if they got hold of us)].
Q: What is FORDING? Is the thing made by Ford or something?
A: No, it is submerging the Hummer underwater to it's maximum (recommended) of 3 feet. Many owners talk about brake pedal height or elbow height of water in the passenger compartment. The salesmen mention drain holes in the floor to let the water out afterwards. FORDING is something Hummer owners feel compelled to do on a regular basis. After a while these owners start to talk about installing waterproof radios, speakers and extending the air intake (SNORKLES) and exhaust pipes above the roof height (what a sight).
Q: What is that Hook on the front for?
A: It is a WINCH: a hook, cable, electric spooling device used primarily to pull out 4 wheel drive vehicles OTHER than the Hummer when they get stuck. Hummer owners like to make a point of this and take many pictures documenting this experience (usually of a Jeep on it's side or Land Rover in a ditch). The salesmen likes to note that when attached from above, the winch can suspend the Hummer in MID AIR (I wonder when I will have to do that?). Eventually one ends up with all kinds of winching paraphinalia.
Q: What is MUDDIN' ?
A: It is the obviously not a technical term. Hummer owners put their vehicles to the test in swamps, marshland, mud pits and the like. When it is completely covered with mud and debris, they like to state "It's a lookin' good!". The owners like it even better when it get's stuck in the mud and have to use the winch to pull it out. They also get at least waist deep in it, themselves.
Q: What happens when you drive a Hummer?
A: A personality transformation takes place. Deep inside the brain of every male is the GODZILLA GLAND, a tiny organ that makes men obnoxious, aggressive and loud. It can be tamed by high level degrees, dark suites and neckties, but it won't go away. Driving a massive truck that can go almost anywhere (point and go), causes the gland to go haywire. Chest hairs sprout. Teen-era testosterone levels regenerate. The intellectual centers begin to shrivel up. Obstacles become adventure.
Q: How's the gas mileage? (A hard answer to get for some reason when you are looking to buy one)
A: Oh, about 6-9 m/g, 15 on the highway. The comment about looking into an auxiliary gas tank seems to come up frequently. The dealers like to say "if you can afford it, don't you worry about the gas mileage" (It gives me a feeling for engine efficiency, gearing and rolling resistance, but what do I know?)
Q: Is it Noisy?
A: Well, It's better than the military version (No sound insulation). Radios help deter the noise, that is if you can hear the radio. Earplugs and occlusive headsets also help. Some owners use an on board, noise canceling intercom system. The GM diesel V8 and the MT tire noise conjures up a hellish racket appropriate to moving out a battalion bent on destruction, but out of tune with a commute.
Q: Is it Reliable?
A: Well, Yes, depending on how much you Abuse it (I mean use it). It is, if you check the fluid levels each time you take it out (Pre and Post drive inspection), and depending on the manufacturing date (minor things like the gas pedal sticking, brakes not working, engine leaking or burning the oil dry, the transmission be sucked dry and can't keep the tires filled). Some owners spend more time under it doing service, than in it. Why do they put air conditioning in them anyway (it never works well and the gas mileage approaches 0?
Q: Where is the spare tire and how do you change a tire on the thing?
A: They usually don't have a spare because it has RUNFLAT tires [a supporting structure within the tire (that usually runs unbalanced]. It is a long, complex, involved process to change or repair a tire. It requires a special tools to disassemble the wheel, that only the dealer can do (who is usually, at least an hour away from where you live). It may be less aggravating and cheaper just to buy a new hummer when the tires need to be replaced.
Q: How is the service?
A: What service? Do you know a brilliant Mechanic somewhere with time to spare and have a pile of money? You are on your own, Partner. Let the force be with you. It is a real challenge if you are so inclined. You will find yourself learning and doing some things yourself to keep it going ("Getting intimate with your vehicle" as is said). Some of the dealers are very helpful.
Q: How much does it cost?
A: That depends on how much money your WIFE wants for herself, after you decide you would like to get one. The maintenance approaches the cost of the vehicle.
Q: Will my WIFE and Kids like it?
A: Some women have a real aversion to Hummers (having to due with it being an obnoxious Male Thing). She may never want to drive it, which may save you from getting it cracked up (Are problems with Depth Perception a Female Trait?). Your Wife may ask you to keep it out of sight, in a garage somewhere (preferably off the property). The Kids and Grandparents will refuse to drive in anything else.
Q: What is this entity HUMVEE HEDONISTS?
A: It is a phenomenon that just cannot be explained in words, only experienced. Somehow, one continues to enjoy having the vehicle, even with the numerous problems one encounters.
Q: Why would you buy a Military Vehicle? Were you feeling ok that week?
Comment: My Wife looks at the thing as an ANTI-STATUS symbol.
Q: Who would buy such a TONKA TOY ON STEROIDS?
A: $$$ helps. Technology Maniacs like it. For a person with a Napoleon complex, this mammoth machine is a g-dsend. For anyone with a sense of modesty, it overwhelms. It may be a new remedy for MID-LIFE CRISIS. A limited few may actually need it for difficult transportation circumstances. Swat flies with a sledge hammer lately?
Q: Do you have to drive it to enjoy it?
A: No, you can just leave it in the garage (if you can find one wide enough), let it depreciate and not have to worry about it breaking or leaking. It also allows you to sneak back into oblivion (all that attention gets annoying after a while) . Once you are labeled with the mystique of a Hummer owner (or people think you are just plain out of your mind), other strange things begin to happen. People always come up to you with good natured, rapid fire questions and will tell you when another Hummer comes into your area. You can also hear others complain about the Dastardly Things and talk about how much fun people have planning and during their Hummer Outings by subscribing to Bob Bishs' e-mail Hummer-list.
First Published to hummer-list@azstarnet.com July 23, 1996
Confabulated by
Michael B. Selig, MD, FACC. (I would do it again, I think!)
mbs@itw.com
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| When I was first looking to buy a Hummer, the salesman mentioned to me leather seats and wood grain interior options. I was actually considering it. After owning a hummer for a while, this has become a more realistic attitude.
How to detail a HUMMER:
Mix 4 lbs. redearth with 1 lb gray clay and 1.5 gal swamp or pond water. Apply with steel wool to all painted areas. Add sand, gravel, road dust and mud to all air vents, window and door moldings (save a few ounces for the air cleaner, fuel filters and tanks).
Liberally apply animal fat (properly rendered, hot summer preferred), or road kill juice to outside windows, mirrors and headlights. Inside window treatment--cigarette film, smudges and Dog drool. Dried blood, black ink or asphalt properly applied to the upholstery is a must. Soak floor mats liberally with with a mixture or 1 part each of ethyl alcohol, ethylene glycol (anit-freeze), diesel fuel, gear lube and motor oil (synthetics of coarse).
A large tree limb, old sewer pipe, or I-beam through the passenger window adds a nice touch. Scorching the rubber tires with a torch adds real class. Finish off by rubbing large stones over all painted surfaces and accent with a selection of dings and properly positioned dents.
EB Wilkinson & Michael B. Selig, MD, FACC.
mbs@itw.com
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| BONGO playing AMG:
Yes I loved the promotion videos of AMG. Now they have to sing to the classical tune of the general public. They have reached a plateau and are now coming along inch by inch, and indeed as Mr Watkins has mentioned, they have come a long way in a short time considering the undertaking of a small company-- who are on the foreskin of technology.
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| Airborne Hummers
It appears some have found the limits of capacity of their hummer. While a hummer creates an erg to travel severe terrain, ford deep waters to the point of submarining, it also pleas to mans need to fly, especially in those with high testosterone levels and the catacholamines flowing. There were some aeronautical acrobatics at the Hummer Challenge. Besides some lost hoods, bent frames, and broken halfshafts what else was there and how?. I suppose AMG likes to be there to see whos doing what to there truck. There was one person who did some bridge jumping a while back--He actually faired better than most of us would have thought. He had to replace doors and other odd parts if the story was indeed true at all. Scott on the other hand has a hard time wondering how much it will cost him each time he turns the ignition key. I have had little problem with mine, am under and above it, checking it out perhaps more than driving it--but I am not trying to test the limits of its capacity nor my wallet either.
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| Yes I loved the promotion videos of AMG. Now they have to sing to the classical tune of the general public. They have reached a plateau and are now coming along inch by inch, and indeed as Mr Watkins has mentioned, they have come a long way in a short time considering the undertaking of a small company-- who are on the foreskin of technology. |
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